My Budget Proposals ...
Budget day, the day the govt tells us how much we need to bend over depending on how deeply they want to screw us. We must be whores. On second thought, make that a very dumb whore. You know, a whore is someone who gets money for getting screwed. A dumb whore is one that does NOT get paid. We must be the dumbest of the dumb whores considering we get screwed by the government and PAY them for it. Jimmy Gathu should come with a calculator and help us digest this soon after he is done freaking people out in their bedrooms.
Moving on ...
To make our lives easier online and offline, I am proposing that the following items be added to the budget.
1) Increase in tax on alcohol and cigarrettes should stop being announced and declared a permament feature on any budget. Items in this category should thus increase prices by 10% the morning after any budget.
2) Each business should only be allowed to have one nose in it, preferrably that of the owner. Noses of persons outside that business should attract a 25% excise duty and require approval by the Ministry Of Douchebag Management. The measure is aimed at reducing tendencies of people sticking their noses in other people's businesses.
3) G4S employees should get a P.A.Y.P.Y.S income tax. Pay As You Plan To Steal. That should allow the govt tax their earnings in advance of any earnings from heists thats they may be planning in the coming fiscal year.
4) The government should impose a tax on stupidity. MPs would welcome the move because it would reduce the number of ... Oh wait!
5) The government should zero rate materials for bra making for bras targetting the male population. This is to address the rise in cases of gynecomastia among the male population that has seen emergence of words like man-boobs or moobs. Affected men can run to work with less of a hassle.
6) Profile pictures/Avis should be zero rated. Persons with eggs on twitter and silhouettes on Facebook can thus take advantage of this to acquire a new profile picture or avi. Please note items in this category that feature nudity should be charged Value Added Tax for each follower acquired.
7) Diapers meant for use exclusively on Social media should be zero-rated. This should be a welcome move for diaper kids who have been frequently attacked in social media circles without anyone seeking to address the root cause of the problem.
8) Beef should attract an excise levy of 25%. This will encourage those with beef to have it with a lot more people who dont have beef.
9) Fucks should attract 16% VAT. People will find it even harder to find someone who gives a fuck. This in turn will encourage people to be more hardworking and invest more due to cutting down of man-hours lost giving a fuck.
10) Chill pills should be zero rated. These pills should be made available freely at your nearest health center. Citizens of the social media world are encouraged to take advantage and purchase the pills which are proven to alleviate ailments related to CF Virus (Catching Feelings virus).
Have a budgetable day, wont you?