The New Alphabet
It is many years since I cleared nursery school (I am told that these days they graduate, complete with graduation gowns and graduation parties). Ever since then, the only alphabetical order that I was taught has never been revised despite the fact it is aged. It is named the Elizabethan alphabet remember? Enter the Kenyan version of the new alphabet.
I took matters into my own hands to single-handedly revise this aged letter structure since neither the Kenya Institute of Education nor the good aged folks at its parent ministry are interested in proposing a more relevant alphabet the way they do with the national curriculum every few years. Here is what my shallow mind could come up with:
A: Arsenal & Arsene
How the two are related only the depressed gooners of this world can explain but I do know one thing: I hate them as much as I hate those Mexican soaps that our women gloriously worship. While one can speak 7 languages (think parrot), the other has had a drought of some sort as far as coffee cups are concerned for 7 or so seasons. Yet they all share one thing in common: they love a certain song that even the floppy disk that holds a certain radio station’s playlist can never have, a song sang by all Emirates faithful. It’s available for free download on iTunes in the losers category. It is entitled “Last Season”. I know that could as well be the title of an Indian movie or yet another Filipino soap. Any semblance the two have to persons living, dead or otherwise imagined is highly regretted.
B: BJ
This can be an acronym to some name like Ben Jipcho or stand for noble courses offered at our institutions of higher learning like Bachelor of Journalism. Whatever the case, B and J are widely popular these days. It’s either you are blowing or being blown. Next please!
C: Cum
Wow! Whether this is a type of camel milk or whatever milk only the associate professors at those campuses located along Nairobi’s Koinange Street can be in a good position to explain. It is loved a lot on social networks hence it meriting to join my new alphabet. I still think it is a gross typo of the English word “come”.
C: CNN
Someone tell them I wrote about them. One more thing, this blog is on fire and so is the whole of Kenya. Hope Jonathan Mann will get that well.
D: Droid
If you don’t own an iOS device then you own a Droid. Otherwise stop using counterfeits and buy a phone.
E: e-
In the era of e-anything, interesting products and services have emerged. In fact the e-pill is the one since the coming of the e-mail.
F: Fap
No, F doesn’t stand for Facebook. There are far more precious things than poking people all day and looking at virtual cows in your Farmville. Fap. Oh what a happy feeling that one brings. I didn’t just say that. Fap is the opposite of the word clap. In this case you are not clapping with your hands to commend someone but you are actually commending yourself.
G: Google
Despite my madness, this slot was wholeheartedly reserved for Google. That giant from California that has had the guys from Redmond, Palo Alto and Cupertino on their feet for the last couple of years. With this giant, doing those strenuous takeaways that lecturers love bothering us with has been an easier task. An excellent class presentation and a first class degree winning thesis are at hand with the power of Google search. Protest as you may but all that research you claim to do in the library is powered by Google. Worse off, you even fell for their April Fools prank. Before you continue reading, do wear some goggles. It is sad that I am yet to meet Google Owino or at least hear that he exists somewhere in this vast republic of ours.
H: Halloween
Well this has existed for so long. It is an American tradition that I have no intention of aping. However, I can’t wait for those Kajiado folks who will write on my Facebook wall, “Happy Halloween” yet the strangest clothing (they call it a costume) that they have ever seen is a Maasai shuka.
I: iDisease
These days it is either you have an i or you are a nobody. Just the other day I was reading of the iBrain that had been newly invented. Need I say I hate those iDevice trotting guys? iCunt.
J: Jobless
The state many of us find themselves in. We need money but we are unemployed and not in a position to employ ourselves. In other words, that state where you have something to do and get some money but you are yet to get that something to do. Contradicting much?
K: KAMATUSA
Well, the government through its spokesman has demanded that the tribal outfit be renamed KAMASUTRA as a way of promoting national cohesion.
L: Lorry La Madoido
Don’t hate on me. I use that term a lot to refer to anything that likes showing off. Anything that is a verified show off. Don’t get me wrong. *grins*
M: Miss Karun
I may not be able to sing along to all Camp Mullah songs but I am sure if I get Miss Karun then definitely the Party Won’t Stop since I am Addicted to her. Pssst, wait.
N: Nyeri
It is not a coincidence that our no nonsense first lady hails from this county. Here women take nothing lying down. In fact they don’t get laid. They just lay. The most listened to song is one sang by Rihanna. I don’t have to repeat it here. This is the place to be for all looking for future wives. What is better than your own wife freely giving you some karate and tae kwon do lessons? No extra charges, just a live demo of Wrestlemania.
O: Oil
Kenya finally struck the overhyped (really?) black gold. No, we are yet to start fighting. We thank the good Lord for making us realize that sisi sote ni waturkana.
P: Photoshop
My mother’s generation relied on natural beauty to attract the men of my father’s age. If that backfired, there were always salons to turn to. Not the case these days. We are in an information age and everything is also digital. Even beauty. Open Adobe Photoshop, snip snip and voila! A world class model is born. What next? Upload it as an avatar on all your social networking profiles and damn girl! You are an overnight celebrity with hordes of men of all ilk dying to befriend you. Not hating on anyone by the way.
Q: ______Insert any quote here______
R: Rongai
You’ve probably not heard of this place. It is Kenya Airways’ latest addition to its long list of faraway overseas destinations. Make sure you visit the Rongai embassy in the CBD for your visa before booking your KQ flight.
S: Shabaab
If I were a kid today, those fantasies of joining the army when I grow up won’t be anywhere near me. I now know better thanks to those bloody militia from Ras Kamboni, Baidoa and all those big names I will never be able to pronounce in my entire lifetime.
T: Turkana
Oh my. You have probably heard the statement sisi sote ni waturkana before or seen a relative of yours claim that your ancestors hailed from Turkana. Well (oil well), envy me as you may but I am a proud product of Turkana National School. Rumour has it that Turkana Oil will take over the sponsorship of the Champions League from Heineken starting next season. Things are just getting better.
U: UNITED
If you are not a fan of Manchester United then I wonder what you are up to reading this article up to this point.
V: Vitz
A friend recently wrote that it is a cross breed of a bicycle and a wheelbarrow. I couldn’t agree more. If you disagree then tell me what name you give to a toy car that is big enough to ferry live versions of the doll Barbie and whose engine is powered by smoke signals.
W: Weave
There are so many fake things today including the horse tails that our women have deeply embraced. Last time I checked, there was an organization that went by the name Heshimu Punda. Well today I urge all of you to support me in my efforts to launch Heshimu Farasi. Trust me, horses need this.
X: x aka Ex
These are those creatures that however much you try to have them away from your relationship history, they act like browser cookies. Always in your history.
The same letter x has been the reason why some of us loathe mathematics and anything associated with it in equal measure. Give me a break, since when did letters become part of calculations?
One more thing. Did you know Kenyans have invented a new language? Xi xaxa unanielewa
Y: Yokozuna
I grew up knowing this as a professional wrestler in my then favourite WWF (yes WWF you toddler) programme. Well things have changed since I grew up. This is the most powerful thirst quencher known to Kenyans. It possesses powers even the Illuminati envy.
Z: Zambia
Till today no one has confirmed to me whether the Zambian national team players finally got what the good ladies of their nation had promised them if they won the African Nations Cup. The offer also was extended to all citizens who could access the precious push n pull services. If I die, have me buried in Zambia. My prayer is that the seven virgins that one finds in heaven will be ex Zambian.
