Types Of Sex Partners - Mens Edition
So our dear ladies have been bugging me about this post for quite a long time now. And all because I wrote one that categorized them into different types of sex partners some time back. I kept wishing they would forget but you know ladies. They do not forget if my experiences in relationships are anything to go by. Any-who, after talking to a few ladies, I have come up with a list which may or may not be exhaustive. I had to consult otherwise how else would I have known this. And NO, this is not the time for your bright ideas of how that would happen. And NO, @SirLV was not among the ladies I talked to.
Here goes the different categories of sex partners that men make...
Default. This is the ultimate lay; one who drives you insane with pleasure every time he has a go at you. He is very rare and he is not for everyone. And if you have him, you have to work very hard to keep him because if you dont, he will be gone and chances are high you wont get another.
He has been reading a lot of theory and he has finally landed on the lab. You. He will endeavour to try out the most ridiculous styles on you. Dont be shocked if you find your left leg on the table, your right on the TV and one boob hanging off the chandelier. Just beware of this one. He may leave you with his name spelt all over your back. With hickies.
The blow drier
The moment the action begins, he starts panting like a Limuru donkey pulling a 200 litre drum full of water up the hill at Kinungi on two flat tyres. He can blow dry your hair and tan your face at one go. Woe unto you if he has even mildly foul breath. At that level of panting, the breath will smell like skunks are having a farting workshop in his mouth and you my dear, will be in the firing line.
You really dont know how to handle this one. He bugs you over and over and over again and when you finally give in, he just sort of "checks the oil-level" and gets out. Just like a dip stick. He just wants to get in and retires soon after having collected the required data. He is not impotent but he doesnt go for more than a minute or two before withdrawing. These are the type that leave you wondering whether there was something you did wrong or if something is physically
wide wrong with you. Its not you honey, its them. Forget and move along.
Graceful, strong and charming. He is hung like an Arabian horse and performs like one too. You knew from the day you saw him that he would blow you away. You craved for the day he'd come to your "town" for the local "race" and when he finally did, all your dreams were fulfilled. He came as a guest performer, blew your mind away and left you begging for more. He then of course moved on to perform at the next town and you will never see him again.
During the seduction, he promises heaven. He talks and talks in praise of the mystical lands and magical colors you will experience when you finally take him to bed. He may even throw in a jingle or two, a coin or two just to entice you. Until he gets to the promised land. Thats when you realize the 10-inch he was going on about was actually a lame three-and-a-half inch that bends downwards.
A bastard this one. Just when things are getting interesting and you have actually started to enjoy the show, without warning, he goes off like a light.
Bonga points redeemer
He has done you favors a number of times, and he thus wants to redeem the points accrued. You know you owe and just dont know when he wants to redeem. As expected he will redeem at the worst possible time and take more than he deserves. He will also keep complaining about what he got from that day henceforth.
Gone in 60 seconds.
Smooth as a pickpocket this one. You have no idea where he came from, and chances are high he got your number way before you even knew a thing about him. You have no idea how he convinced you to go to his place or how you opened up your legs. You remember cuming but you dont remember him going. And chances are high you will never see him again.
The Chinese Worker
He works hard; very hard. The mistake you made was starting him off. He will work you so hard that you may actually start praying to God to strike him with lightning just so he can stop. Chances are high that you will fall asleep at one point - but you know the chinese. They work even better when people are asleep. Therefore don't be surprised if you wake up with a highway where you left a path.
Am sure all women hate this one. He has no idea what he is doing or where he is. He behaves like a person in a new town who compunded his problems by alighting at the wrong stage. You give directions but he still insists on running you through them again.
"Umesema hapa ama hapa? Nyuma au mbele? Na nikifika mwisho nifanye nini? Niweke kwa mdomo au pua?"
Annoying little pricks with annoying little pricks.
City council worker
He is a dirty talker and a little mild on the manners too. I call him City council worker because of his ability to clean. And not in a good way. He will lick every part of your body with his tongue, and just when you feel relieved that he is done, he will start rinsing you.
So guys, what type of sex partner are you?