What kind of a sex partner are you?
Everyone want to hear that they are gurus in bedroom matters. That they are the Einsteins of matters sexual. The situation on the ground is however very different. Men for example basically rely on what the woman says and the ex
And that will tell you whether its time to do a Kemboi dance for a great perfomance or run like him for wasting her time. Being a man however, it is not my business to classify men and their perfomances in bed.
However, I can classify women. The duty of classifying men I will leave to women and if anyone so wishes, send me the article and I will post it here.
So what categories of women do we have when it comes to bedroom matters?
1) The iFuck
Everyone knows she is the ultimate and everyone wants a turn. Truth be told only few can afford her. She is picky and knows what she wants and when she is done with you, you will need a face rearrangement to look normal coz the smile will be way too wide.
2) The Traffic Policewoman
These type of women have a deep urge to give directions. And they do it the whole session through. Go faster, stop, go deeper, go slower, to the left, to the right, REPEAT. Dont be shocked if you fail to listen and - instead of saying pull out - she says pull over!
3) Mama Mboga
They dont exactly say nikupimie ya ngapi - not exactly at least but during the whole session, she will be checking whether you are satisfied by her wares. Unataka nini, na hii nini umewashawahi jaribu, leo ungejaribu nini. Umetosheka ama nikufungie? The hell. STFU!
4) The Blackout
You get excited that you are getting some just like when you are about to watch a movie you have waited to watch for a long time. You get ready, take her to bed, undress her and get ready for action and the moment you hit the play button and the
actionmovie begins, she goes out like a light. She is not asleep mind you, but you wish she was. She is just there. Silent and motionless. The only time she may say something is if you go in through the wrong door. For the third time.
She is either too big for you or you are too small. Or both. Mostly both. If anyone walked in on you two, they'd be forgiven if they thought she just gave birth .... to you.
Noisy and irritating. The noises she makes can make NEMA come and knock your house down. You would think its Rick Ross trying to do a Celine Dion tune. With Bamzigi providing background vocals. And Kiraitu's voice on loop.
Almost everyone has had a turn and you didn't want to be left out. Her sex appeal lasts as long as the IDEOS battery too.
8) Al Shabaab
Comes to your house with no notice, fucks your brain out and leaves you for dead.
9 ) Catch Me If You Can
Slim. Playful. Tomboy. This one insists on games in bed. She will bolt out from the blues and run around and dare you to catch her. Reminds me of a joke where a guy saw an advert for losing weight that guaranteed that you'll lose five kilos in a week. He went over and was told they do home fitness by sending trainers to your home. After getting assured of the results, he paid the money and went home. Later comes the trainer. She says, "This is how it works. You chase me and if you catch me, you fuck me."
The guy got very excited and chased her and shagged her every time he caught her. In a week, he had lost the weight. He went back to the agency and paid some more money for another week.
Then comes a different trainer. Slimmer, hotter and more fit. This one was harder to catch but whenever he did, he shagged her and he was getting to really enjoy his training. After a week, the results were great and he went back to the agency asking if they can pull a ten kilo weight loss in a week. The agency said they can deliver that -guaranteed. So the guy pays and goes home.
Later he hears the door bell. Excited, he runs to the door to see who the new trainer was. He was sure this one was hotter than the other two. On opening the door, he found a well built guy in a trainers kit. Said the huge guy, "I am your new trainer. By now you know the drill. But this works the other way. If I was you, I'd start running!"
10) The Mexican Soap
From the day you laid eyes on her you knew how the story would end. Someone would want love, someone would get fucked and someone would cry. And the script doesn't change with this one.
11) Thika Road
Too busy most of the time. Not to mention too many reckless riders have been through here because she takes what comes her way. And she is too wide. Both ways.