Rules Of Engagement In The Urinal
Men have a lot of unwritten rules. The most popular of course is that any guys sister is off limits unless you have the express intention of marrying her and hold a letter of good conduct from your local chief, your local pastor and a foot-stamp from a reputable domestic animal. Basically, a guys sister is off limits to every guy and anyone who breaches that rule is an enemy. However, there are other rules that men do not discuss very much. How to behave in the men's room. Actually they are more like guidelines and they revolve around behaviour that is acceptable or unacceptable.
These guidelines, should not be broken at all costs. I have compiled a list below which is far from comprehensive but it covers the larger part of the requirements of any man in a urinal.
1) No man takes another man to the urinal. If you have no business in the urinal, stay outside. It cant be that big to require two men to hold.
2) If you find me alone in a urinal, you will take the spot FARTHEST from me.
3) If there are other people there who are already this far from each other and you have to get in between them, you have to hesitate for a few seconds to show respect.
4) During the whole process, you will look straight ahead or preferably UP.
5) If two men get into the urinal together deep in conversation, the moment we both unzip, we both shut up. The story will continue after the ceremony is over.
6) NO MATTER WHAT you are thinking about, or talked with your friend(s) about before getting into the urinal DO NOT LAUGH under any circumstances whatsoever. And if - for whatever misguided reason you find yourself laughing - the person next to you is allowed to glance at you from the side of his eye with the head still facing up. That is the equivalent of WTF is wrong with you and STFU you moron combined into one. You will stop laughing immediately at this point.
7) You will only shake up and down, NEVER sideways, EVER! If you break that rule and you splash urine on someone, your bones will be broken.
8) Once you are done, you will return your weapon back to its scabbard and zip up while still looking up. Once done, you will turn and leave without looking at the face of any other occupants in the urinal area.
9) If your zipper gets stuck, you do NOT look down, talk or ask for help even if the skin of your weapon gets stuck in the zipper. You will struggle as long as you want to free it and zip up provided all this is done in under ten seconds. And while still looking up. If you are not successful after ten minutes, leave as if everything is OK.
10) If you have to wash you hands, do so very quickly. DO NOT USE THE MIRROR to look at other occupants, check anything stuck in your eyes, moisten your lips or anything or the sort. That will lead to revocation of your man card. You can however pick your teeth.
These rules are not negotiable. Oh, I forgot one. You should NEVER bring a girl to the urinal. This rule can only be broken if you are on a dry spell spanning not less than twelve consecutive months. In this case, the time has to be past three in the morning, she must have offered to relieve you from that misery of a dry spell, the urinal has to be empty and she has to be the hottest woman around. If all these conditions are true, then you are allowed ten seconds.
Even in this case, you still have to look up through the whole process.
Over and out. Or did I forget any?